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Last night I saw the sky turn red.
The heavens heaved and all life bled
as meteors rained upon the world,
the cosmos' wrath raw and unfurled.
I could do naught but gaze wide-eyed
at cities razed and lives denied,
at trees ablaze and fields aflame.
When at long last I o'ercame
the fear that froze me to the ground,
I looked around and there I found
two lovers locked in tight embrace,
a blissful death etched on their face.

This life of ours 's a tawdry treasure,
for there's no meter that can measure
the tears that trickle and descend,
the meteors that have yet to land…
life is all
we have
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:iconmoon-and-ash:
Moon-and-Ash Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010
You are consistently and compulsively thoughtfully readable. Too many adverbs exploding in that sentence. They happen when I get excited.

Rather than bleak, you've rendered the post-Apocalyptic with various measures of hope and affirmation. Incredible. :heart:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010
many, but not too many! :)

thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconvex0r:
Vex0r Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2009
Gorgeous. There's something about the image of a meteor that really moves me. I think it has something to do with indomitable power and horrible disaster; what force of nature is more destructive than a meteor? I'm sure one could be named, but that's not the point; this is just, I guess, a really roundabout and wordy way of saying "I like your poem, Len." xD
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2010
thank you very much, Vex! Glad to see you're back and I hope that you've been faring well!
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:iconponddreamer:
PondDreamer Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful, I love it :love:
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:iconnathanzachary:
nathanzachary Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2009
This beautiful piece reminds me of the movie "The Fountain." Besides the beautifully painted imagery throughout the entire poem, there is an emotionality spilling from the lines. You have wonderfully juxtaposed fear and love--no, not the trivial love that could be more readily categorised as lust, but rather the true love in which two people join their very beings together. The last two lines of the first stanza:

two lovers locked in tight embrace,
a blissful death etched on their face.

Are so incredibly moving that they could almost stand on their own. However, when they are separated from the rest of the piece, they lose the power that they have to overwhelm the reader because the fear is not present. You greatly captured true love, which is inextricably connected to fear...the fear of living without the other; the fear of dying without the other.

Simply wonderful! +fav
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2009
thank you so much, Zach! :heart:
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:iconpulseofexistence:
PulseofExistence Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2009  Student Writer
You paint a picture in an old fashioned tongue that I see with a modern gaze. The way you begin with the destruction of the earth and finish with the love two people can share as everything around them is going up in flames--it's just simply amazing. Instant favorite. :heart:
Reply
:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2009
thank you so much, Jay. Your comments mean a lot to me. And thank you for the fav too! :heart:
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:iconpulseofexistence:
PulseofExistence Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2009  Student Writer
The pleasure is all mine. :)
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:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I could do naught but gaze wide-eyed
at cities razed and lives denied


This sentence really stuck out to me; I loved the imaginary in this (in the whole piece; it's amazing!), but this is my favorite line :heart:

You are a magician with words! I love it! ~ :hug:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2009
and you, Kim, know how to make an artist feel most appreciated. Thank you so much! :) :heart:
Reply
:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:heart: :blush: I'm glad I can make you feel that way; I always hope my words come over as I wish them too, and I'm incredibly happy to hear they do :love: You where incredibly welcome! ~ :hug:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2009
:hug:
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:iconmurmele:
Murmele Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2009
:iconsootball: This has been featured in my journal ...

[link]
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
thank you! :tighthug:
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:iconmurmele:
Murmele Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2009
Welcome ! :shamrock::silentkitty:
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:iconperidot-magelette:
peridot-magelette Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009
i really like this- it has a 2012 feel, reminds us how precious and fragile life is. and the detail of the lovers also reminds us how important our loved ones are. nice.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009
thank you very much, I'm very glad you liked it! :)
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:iconalexrider-00nothing:
AlexRider-00Nothing Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
life is not necessarily all we have. . .

it is like a clay jar. . .it is empty unless we put something into it
Reply
:iconjulietcaesar:
julietcaesar Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this poem. I've been letting it sit in my inbox for a while before I could finally get around to commenting on it, like now. The beautiful imagery despite the terrible nature of an apocalypse makes a brilliant juxtaposition. I especially love how you inserted the part about the lovers; it is often commented upon in literature, but sometimes these beautiful moments, when pointed out, are often made more beautiful when placed in the context of destruction and hate.

But yes, I really do like this poem very much. The rhyming scheme and the syllable count also help enhance the poem in general, so very well done! :thumbsup:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2009
thank you very much for the fav and the wonderful comment. I appreciate them so much that I've actually taken the trouble of

pouring you some tea :tea:

:D :hug:
Reply
:iconjulietcaesar:
julietcaesar Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
And I gratefully drink it and offer you my thanks in return. :D

Not a problem at all!
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:icondiredigression:
DireDigression Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
I didn't realize a description of apocalypse could be so beautifully thought-provoking.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
thanks, Kerry :)
Reply
:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
You have considerable skills to deploy, and here you have deployed them.

Every poem you write deepens your understanding of poetry. The archaic voice provides you at present with your poetic language. It will be interesting to see how it might evolve (hence my recent reference to Ezra Pound, not as a model for imitation, but as a range of possibility you might like to explore).
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
thank you, Alec. I'll be sure to check it out :heart:
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:iconalecbell:
AlecBell Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
:heart:
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:icongwenavhyeuranastasia:
GwenavhyeurAnastasia Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
8 8 9 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 10 9 8 9

Just a bit of a mini-critique here. :]

'As' before 'meteors' feels unnecessary. I read this aloud, as usual, then counted the syllables per line, and this one had one more syllable than the two previous. I think if you put a semi-colon or a colon after bled, then killing 'as' would work. However, I did not stumble over the word as I read, so keeping it would be just as well.

Cosmos' is a bit awkward as you have it. I would suggest, rather, wording the line so: "the wrath of cosmos raw and unfurled", or something in that manner. It flows better.

'A' before 'tawdry'. I think removing that would help make that line flow more smoothly.

I think your rhymes go together relatively well until the last two lines. Descend rhymed with land is a bit bothersome to me, and, over anything else, I would suggest rewording that line to find a better rhyme for it.

All in all, it has your usual skill with vocabulary, rhyme, and alliteration. An interesting poem, dear. :]
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
thanks so much for the mini-critique, Kay :)

actually, my syllable count was a bit different. I pronounce 'meteors' as 2 syllables (almost like 'meet yours'!) - maybe I got the pronounciation wrong? could easily be the case, being Maltese and all...

the poem in general was meant to be in iambic tetrameter:

o / o /
as me/teors rained
o / o /
up/on the world,

the introduction of 'of' (as in your suggestion) would mess up the iambic structure:

o / o / o
the cos/mos' wrath raw
/ o /
and un/furled.

I don't know why it didn't flow well when you read it. Maybe it's a matter of different stresses, ey?

Then in the last stanza I did indeed switch to 9 syllables instead of 8. The first line of second stanza is meant to have 9 not 10, though - the 's (short for is) is an extension of ours. Now that you mention it, however, I have noticed that the lines are not iambic anymore there (tawdry and treasure both having a stress on the first syllable), and that's a problem.

(Wrote this at 2 am last night, and these lines were the ones I struggled with most - no wonder they ended up wrong!)

descend-land... I don't know, I quite liked that, Kay. The last three lines are the first that came to mind when I wrote this (my poems usually start off from the ending lines!) There's that meters-tears-meteors play there, which I am quite fond of. I doubt I could change the rhyme without changing entirely the last lines.

I'll leave the poem as it is for now, but I'll get back to it in a couple of days/weeks, and I'll give your comment a fresh read :)

Meanwhile, huge thanks to you for your time and careful read! :heart: :rose:
Reply
:iconmisconducted:
Misconducted Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
As a native English speaker, I'll vouch that it's perfectly valid to pronounce meteors disyllabically, though I would steer clear of it if you're trying to maintain an elevated tone, as it sounds a bit 'slang'.

I think the confusion in the cosmos line arises from the scansion;
..^......./.^......./....../.....^.....^.../
"The cosmos' wrath raw and unfurled"
(apologies about the unconventional method of display; it's the only way I could make the comment box behave)

As you can see, you've substituted your usual iambic foot for a trochaic foot on the third foot, creating two clashing stresses on "wrath raw". I thought this was a clever and effective metrical substitution though; the jarring clash of the stresses reflects the astral power that you wish to convey.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
I think that you're too insightful a reader for an amateur poet like me :)

You're perfectly right. The metrical substitution was unintentional - though I must say that I'm quite pleased that the clash could be interpreted that way. Sustaining an iambic rhythm while also narrating a story is especially difficult, and I still have much to learn.

Thank you very much for the careful read!
Reply
:iconmisconducted:
Misconducted Featured By Owner May 10, 2010
There's no such thing as too much insight when you're commenting as a means by which to procrastinate and avoid starting your latin homework.

Don't think of it as "sustaining an iambic rhythm"; that's too constrictive. The iambic metre is a framework from which you can make deviations and substitutions. A blank iambic verse for the sake of a blank iambic verse is like having a beautiful metaphor replaced with a coarse reality simply because reality is more "right".
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:icongwenavhyeuranastasia:
GwenavhyeurAnastasia Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
Ah, that all makes sense, now that you explained it, especially with the descend-land rhyme. I like it upon second reading. As well as meteors-tears, which I hadn't noticed til you mentioned it. That set probably just struck me because it's at the end.

No problem. :heart:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
:heart:
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:iconelestra:
Elestra Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
Can a vision be called beautiful when it's terrifying? This one can.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
:) :thanks:
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:icongedwaylem:
gedwaylem Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
this reminds me of a dream i once had.

very well put.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
It can't have been a very idyllic one, I s';pose.

thank you!
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
we need to find a way to kill that pesky emoticon...
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:iconalapip:
alapip Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
"life is all we have "

and, love is all we need, Len.

spoken with much passion!

pip
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
:)

thank you - i'm ever grateful, pip!
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:iconinsanewalk:
insanewalk Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
I can't begin to explain the way your words mesmerize me, and most likely, all those who read them.
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
you are too kind :heart:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009   Photographer
Brilliant imagery, brilliant emotion, brilliant choice of words, brilliant concept, brilliant execution, brilliant! :+fav:
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:iconleurindal:
Leurindal Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009
wow, thank you so much!

your praise is delightfully heart-warming :rose:
Reply
:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2009   Photographer
my delight ;)
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