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Literature Text
In the cracking crystal in your eyes,
I saw
a Daphne deflowered,
a bone
thrown
to the dogs.
I saw you peering at your self
stripped bare
before a mirror;
a heavy absence in that place
where your right breast
used
to be.
You knew, then, what was at stake:
what you'd forsake
atop that table
and what would be left
for you:
half your womanhood,
all your tragedy,
and not an ounce of hope.
I saw
a Daphne deflowered,
a bone
thrown
to the dogs.
I saw you peering at your self
stripped bare
before a mirror;
a heavy absence in that place
where your right breast
used
to be.
You knew, then, what was at stake:
what you'd forsake
atop that table
and what would be left
for you:
half your womanhood,
all your tragedy,
and not an ounce of hope.
Literature
jamais
the truth, as staunch and without ornament
as I can make it,
is that I did not want your love,
your voice rattling like the hoary whispers
of stars;
your dreams (rustling like cattails
and half-extended to meet mine)
were as foreign to me
as moonlight, concealed
in its various robes.
your sucking fireflies,
neon mothish words meant to draw me in,
flurried uselessly about me.
but now that your attempted eloquence
is more akin to the wick of a lamp,
charred and drowning in oil,
I may vaguely nod my head.
Literature
evolution
you make me think of bygone
summers and being fifteen,
of endless prairie skies alive
with birds and clouds and bugs,
my heart stuttering in my throat,
mud splattering my bare legs,
opportunity stretching further than
the golden fields all around us.
memories press into my skin,
burrowing in the whorls
of my fingertips. those long
ago days sped us through
the mountains to this moment,
where that pink-tinged first love
has faded to something as easy
as my favorite worn-in shoes,
and I can remember with fondness
how you used to make me feel.
Literature
Caution: Flammable
I've got shivers in my bones
and glass hearts on my sleeve.
We're oh-so-breakable with our
see-through skin and paperthin
dreams
[and I'm screaming for somebody
to please come save me. Please.]
--
Scattered promises and chemical
clouds are all that we have left of
the good old days and I'm
afraid no one's going to take us
seriously.
[We need promiscuous lives and
wandering eyes before anyone
will look our way.]
--
There are seventeen reasons
why and eighteen reasons why
not. I'm losing my way and there's
no Ctrl-Alt-Del to help me now.
[Please keep one finger on the
Esc at all times.]
--
We're wishing on empty wells an
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third draft, more revisions yet to be done. help me hone it, please.
Is the poem's theme clear? Can you make out what the poem is about? How effective are the metaphors I chose?
Is the poem's theme clear? Can you make out what the poem is about? How effective are the metaphors I chose?
© 2010 - 2024 Leurindal
Comments36
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Overall Vision Originality
Technique ImpactThe first and second stanza's I would leave almost entirely alone. As it stands, this poem is very thick and powerful, very forceful and yet tender, forgiving and consoling. The title is perfect, fierce.
"a Daphne deflowered,
a bone
thrown
to the dogs."
The imagery here is very very poignant. It's a stressful stanza, and applicably defacing; it points out the severity very well. Perfect word drop on thrown and deflowered is a perfect word; keep it
The second stanza is very sad, sullen, and almost brought tears to my eyes. The display of emotion, of fear and of hopelessness, is executed with deadly accuracy.
Third stanza distracts me from its severity. You don't rhyme above at all, and then stake and forsake appear. Consider turning it into two lines.
The last two stanza's are also executed very well, though I feel they fall off of the powerful imagery that's offered. I'm curious as to which direction you are going with this or if it will remain the saddened doubt that cancer's victims feel.
I would love to see any other revisions you plan on doing, and hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Melissa